Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Pregnancy "Essentials"

Jack is rapidly approaching that day where he has spent more time on the outside than in. To celebrate this milestone, let’s hearken back to pregnancy. Spoiler: My pregnancy was not pretty, and this post is not going to be pretty either. Before I got pregnant, I pinned every single one of those “pregnancy essentials” posts. Get this body pillow, this pregnancy journal, this cashmere pashmina, this body oil, this maternity swim suit, this pre-natal yoga video. I didn’t realize it at the time, but those lists make pregnancy look so darn glamorous I could puke.

And I did puke. Debilitating nausea was my steadfast companion from week four to week forty. And it’s not rational, but I wanted to scream at those Pregnancy Essentials lists for making me think I would care about the kind of socks I wore as I cried myself to sleep on the bathroom floor. Tell me, what exactly makes dry shampoo “essential” when it’s easier to not care about sitting in your own filth? And that back massager might have been great for your pregnancy, but do you know what was great for mine? Never being touched in any way ever.

So here’s MY parade of horribles, and may they never be essential for you.

1. In my experience, this puke bag is the only truly essential pregnancy item. The first time I was hospitalized the nurses gave me like twenty to take home, and every time I had to go back I’d ask for more. This bag. It makes public puking so much more bearable. Heck, it makes bedroom puking more bearable. It is much better than a bucket, it is even better than the toilet, and it is SO MUCH BETTER than cleaning puke off the walls because you didn’t make it to the bathroom in time. This bag. It is better. It is essential.

2. Also “essential” in my pregnancy was this electric razor. Standing while shaving my legs was out of the question since standing for any period of time gave me immediate, unforgiving diarrhea. Alternatively, our tub is so narrow that when I sat and leaned forward to shave near my ankles, the pressure on my tummy would make me puke. You know what’s gross? Puking in your bath water (see pregnancy essential #1). But with this electric razor, I had more room to move around. I didn’t puke once, and my restless legs stopped twitching as much in the night.

3. Netflix. No explanation necessary.

b perry

p.s. The craziest part of all this is how excited I am to have another baby. Chris and I get giddy just talking about it. Anyway, the more I laugh about how horrible pregnancy was, the braver I feel about doing it again.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Chocolate Bunny Hunting

When we were newlyweds, we were walking around Target one night and Chris started tip toeing into the candy aisle and whispered in his best Australian accent, “If we’re very quiet, we may spot the rare chocolate bunny in its natural habitat.” Thus began our family tradition of chocolate bunny hunting.

You might think that hunting chocolate bunnies around Easter is (as my Criminal Law professor put it) like searching for a needle in a needle drawer, but you can easily find yourself in the proverbial haystack. Given the variety of bunnies in the order Chocolatæ Bunnis if you’re hunting a specific genus or species, your game may be illusive in the wild. Our favorite bunny is of the Lindt genus, the milk chocolate species.

This year when the chocolate bunny season opened, I surveyed the landscape and had to text this picture to Chris. It felt too good to be true. Among the Lindt herd, there were dozens of white bunnies, plenty of dark bunnies, and then off in a distant shelf, one solitary milk bunny, trying to blend in with its surroundings. His efforts were unsuccessful.

nom nom nom


Wednesday, March 18, 2015

I Still Love Technology

a screenshot from Uncle Spencie

People are always demonizing technology. Those discussions are never without some truth, but it seems like a one-sided discussion to me. So I want to talk about this side: TECHNOLOGY IS AMAZING. In a world where it’s increasingly common to move away from our friends and family, the ease with which we keep in touch is an actual miracle.

Since Jack was born, we’ve started video chatting with our family once or twice a week. A few minutes in a Google Hangout with my brother at the end of a long day is fun for all of us. I really like that my family gets to have a few interactions with Jack even though we live so far away from each other.

So sure, don't text your friends when you’re on a dinner date. Stop fostering your online presence more than you focus on your family members. Definitely make time to be "unplugged." All of that. But OMG our love of technology is not inescapably causing the downfall of civilized society. In particular, the mind-boggling advances in communication technology have brought immeasurable joy to my life because they make feel close to people I wish were literally closer to.

End weird rant.


Wednesday, March 11, 2015

First Date

Baby Chris at Bob's, baby me at El Faralito
The very first picture ever taken of us
it appears bad lighting was a major theme in our first dates
For our third anniversary, Chris and I went on our first Date Where Jack Stays Home With A Babysitter. The formality of that process added a level of legitimacy to dating that I did not anticipate. While we waited for her to show up, I got ten million butterflies like I was going on a First Date Ever, not just First Date Since Jack Was Born. On those first dates, it was unwise to look him in the eyes unless I had twenty minutes to be lost in soul-stirring desire. Whenever he smiled at me, I knew that his was a gaze I would walk away from at my own peril. And those feelings came rushing back to me as we waited there on the couch.

When you are that excited, it doesn’t really matter what you do, but we tried out a new Indo-Chinese place. They have a dish there that is so hot you have to sign a waiver before you eat it. I didn’t order that. I ordered non-waiver-required dumplings and then ate most of Chris’ Calcutta Chicken.

I thought it would be overwhelming – or whelming, at the very least – to leave Jack home, but everything was fine. We put on nice clothes, tried new food, laughed about the past year, and I felt all the feelings you feel on a first date with the boy you have a crush on. I still love all of our quiet nights in, but we’re both really excited to start having nights out again.


Date Details
Red Hot Chili Pepper
1125 San Carlos Ave. San Carlos

Wednesday, March 4, 2015


I got my permit to drive when I was fourteen and a half, and I was pulled over for the first time when I was fourteen and a half and a week – sans proof of insurance, sans permit, sans parent, and after dark. That was the first of numerous traffic violations that did not end in a ticket. It would be inaccurate to say that I’ve been pulled over for “everything” but “nearly everything” is pretty accurate. Speeding, a rolling stop at a stop sign, running a red light, driving into oncoming traffic, not wearing a seatbelt, failure to signal, an utter inability to fix my headlight, talking on my cell phone, and my personal favorite: drunk driving (from a girl who has never had even the smallest sip of the booze). I can distinctly remember being pulled over thirty-four times, and that number doesn’t include the times I’ve forgotten.

I am always sorry to disappoint the people who ask what my technique is, but I didn’t have a system. I only cried once (that first time because I was so scared). Sometimes I was chatty, other times I was totally silent. Sometimes I was honest, and sometimes if you have an Idaho drivers’ license in a New York rental car, it’s a pretty reasonable to assume that you didn’t know you’re not allowed talk on your cell phone when you drive. *ahem* Twice. *ahem* In one week.

The truth is, I was just unbelievably lucky. Of course, certain friends considered it unbelievably annoying, but it felt like luck to me. Whatever it was, all that came to a screeching halt when I was driving to San Francisco in 2010. The speed limit dropped, but my speed didn’t, and the dude clocked me going around forty over. It should have been like a $600 fine, instead it was something like $150, and I kept driving to the Golden State.

A year later, on the night I met Chris, I broke the news to my friend Jen that my run from the law had finally ended. A month after that, when Chris and I saw each other next, he walked up to me and said, “You’re Brittney Horman. You’re the girl who never gets tickets.” That line, that story, that pesky speeding infraction is part of what brought us together. So yes, some might consider that first ticket to be the end of an incredible and gratuitously long lucky streak, but I consider the time I got pulled over in Jackpot, Nevada to be the luckiest I ever got.


p.s. Happy anniversary, mi dilla.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Jack's Birth Announcement

An iPhone picture of the birth announcements we sent out last year. 

My dad took this picture of Jack on the day he was born, and I think we can all agree that he is the most beautiful newborn that has ever existed. I love that picture. I love the perfectly square Johnny Cash stamp on the envelope. I love his little footprint (and in case you can’t read it the words say, “Born August 29, 8 pounds 2 ounces & 21 inches of pure genius”).

I figured it was time to post a picture of the announcement since Jack turns six months old this week. I’d like to spare you most of the clichés (and profanities), but every single thing I want to say is cliché (and profane). They grow up too fast. I love him so much. How is he so cute? He used to be so small. Look at his cubby legs. His giggles are the most beautiful sounds on earth.

These things were thought a hundred billion babies before mine was ever born, but every day when I see his blue eyes shining in the morning light those thoughts feel fresh and intensely personal. To me. But I get it, it’s nothing new, so I’ll stop crytyping into my computer. If you’ll excuse me I’ll be waiting by the door for my baby to wake up from his nap.


Wednesday, January 21, 2015

New Year's in Wyoming

Every year for four years I promised Chris that we would ski Grand Targhee over Christmas break. Every year I really meant it, and every year I really didn’t make the effort to go. So maybe I’m too lazy to go skiing, but at least I’m also a liar about it. Wait.

This year my parents rented a cabin about twenty minutes away from the resort, and they got everybody a ski pass for Christmas. We played games, ate comfort food, and for once we actually went to Targhee. Most importantly, on New Year's Eve, we went to bed at 9:00 p.m. because I had an utterly unexplainable aversion to ringing in the New Year at midnight. Oh, no no, it’s because sleep is awesome, and I have a teeny tiny baby. Explained.


p.s. My dad took both of these pictures, and I love them so much. Isn't he good?