Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Pregnancy "Essentials"

Jack is rapidly approaching that day where he has spent more time on the outside than in. To celebrate this milestone, let’s hearken back to pregnancy. Spoiler: My pregnancy was not pretty, and this post is not going to be pretty either. Before I got pregnant, I pinned every single one of those “pregnancy essentials” posts. Get this body pillow, this pregnancy journal, this cashmere pashmina, this body oil, this maternity swim suit, this pre-natal yoga video. I didn’t realize it at the time, but those lists make pregnancy look so darn glamorous I could puke.

And I did puke. Debilitating nausea was my steadfast companion from week four to week forty. And it’s not rational, but I wanted to scream at those Pregnancy Essentials lists for making me think I would care about the kind of socks I wore as I cried myself to sleep on the bathroom floor. Tell me, what exactly makes dry shampoo “essential” when it’s easier to not care about sitting in your own filth? And that back massager might have been great for your pregnancy, but do you know what was great for mine? Never being touched in any way ever.

So here’s MY parade of horribles, and may they never be essential for you.


1. In my experience, this puke bag is the only truly essential pregnancy item. The first time I was hospitalized the nurses gave me like twenty to take home, and every time I had to go back I’d ask for more. This bag. It makes public puking so much more bearable. Heck, it makes bedroom puking more bearable. It is much better than a bucket, it is even better than the toilet, and it is SO MUCH BETTER than cleaning puke off the walls because you didn’t make it to the bathroom in time. This bag. It is better. It is essential.

2. Also “essential” in my pregnancy was this electric razor. Standing while shaving my legs was out of the question since standing for any period of time gave me immediate, unforgiving diarrhea. Alternatively, our tub is so narrow that when I sat and leaned forward to shave near my ankles, the pressure on my tummy would make me puke. You know what’s gross? Puking in your bath water (see pregnancy essential #1). But with this electric razor, I had more room to move around. I didn’t puke once, and my restless legs stopped twitching as much in the night.

3. Netflix. No explanation necessary.

b perry

p.s. The craziest part of all this is how excited I am to have another baby. Chris and I get giddy just talking about it. Anyway, the more I laugh about how horrible pregnancy was, the braver I feel about doing it again.

9 comments:

  1. You actually shaved while pregnant? You are miles ahead of me.

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    1. I'm telling you, it's was my restless legs at night. Shaving made the twitch a lot less. But yeah, I totally support not shaving while pregnant. YOU DO YOU, PFOSTY.

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  2. THOSE PUKE BAGS!!!! They are miraculous. I never thought to ask for them to take home though. Brilliant.

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    1. Well, lest you actually think me brilliant, I didn't think of it either. It was this SAINTLY nurse, who was like, "Why don't I give you a few of these to take home..." That woman. I just owe her so much.

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  3. Just got all caught up on like 5 of your posts. You are the BEST

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  4. This is the best worst best post ever. I'm so sorry I laughed so hard. Not at your pain, but at the irony of the fact that LET'S BE HONEST PREGNANCY IS NOT ALL CUTE OUTFITS PHOTOS AND BELLY BALMS!!! Thanks for keeping it real. ;)

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  5. ah belly balm. the stuff of not my pregnancy. maybe with the next kid.

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  6. You are the funniest person I know. My list of pregnancy essentials consists of a maid service and meditation.

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