Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Halloween Grinch

This is the kind of wholesome Halloween stuff I was raised to love: teddy bear costumes and trick or treating. 

Here’s an exhaustive list of what I like about Halloween: candy, dressing up in fun costumes, and watching Chris carve a pumpkin. All that gory, frightening nonsense? Pass.

Let’s start with scary movies.

People always want to watch scary movies around Halloween, and I feel like the lone crazy person who doesn’t want to watch [fill in the horrible blank]. I cannot watch the PREVIEWS for scary movies. I get creeped out looking at the posters. I don’t have to explain this to little kids. For a long time, my friends and I were trick-or-treating in peace. But scary movies got cool in high school, especially around Halloween, and so fifteen years ago this month I watched the scariest movie I ever saw… The Sixth Sense. I knew the entire plot from the very beginning of the movie, I was in a giant cuddle ball with like fourteen of my most supportive friends, but I still have nightmares loosely based on that terrifying kitchen cupboard scene. No more scary movies for me. 

Then there’s haunted houses.

In college I went with an otherwise reasonable group of friends to a haunted house that ended in a corn maze. As we left the house (where the very worst nightmares are sent to prison), my roommate and I got separated from the rest of our group, and a dude with a chainsaw chased us into the cornfield. We took a wrong turn, faced a dead end, and as we screamed and clung to each other I was so distraught that I genuinely, sincerely believed I had to choose between escaping this madman or actual death. It’s a funny story now, but I cannot emphasize this part enough: one us literally went home with pee-soaked pants that night, and I’d rather not say who. So that was the last haunted house I ever went to. 

I do not understand all the “fun” Halloween things. I’m really happy to stay home and pass out fun-size Snickers bars to cute, tiny Iron Men. I realize that admitting to all this makes me the equivalent of a Halloween Grinch, so my apologies to Jack Skellington for having a Tell-Tale Heart that is two sizes too small.

b perry

4 comments:

  1. I similarly went to a haunted corn maze in college, and, like your "friend," peed my pants. Of course, I peed my pants all the time back in those days (a combination of drinking a ridiculous amount of water to stay hydrated in the dry desert air and losing complete control of my bladder due to too much running), so...there's that.

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  2. I FEEL THE SAME WAY AND HAD A DRAFT WRITTEN OF A POST ON THIS THEME LAST YEAR but I never published it and maybe I will now because sometimes I'm like a lemming.
    Also I begged my parents to let me watch The 6th Sense when I was like, 10, and for some reason they LET ME and then I had nightmares FOR A MONTH STRAIGHT. My Mom had me listen to a wholesome CD filled with uplifting music in order to fall asleep each night and it included "what a wonderful world" (for some reason I remember no other songs except that one). I have JUST now started to be able to listen to that song without being secondhand-scared. Which is sad because it really is a good song. I hate that cupboard scene and I will never ever use Pine Sol in my house. Someone gave me a bottle recently and looking at it creeps me out so I think I need to throw it away. Haha.
    So yeah. Worst movie ever, let's stick with dressing up and eating candy forever.

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  3. I am so the same! I hate scary movies, I hate hate hate hate haunted houses, and while I LOVE candy, I'd rather just stay at home with what I picked up from the store and watch Hocus Pocus or Monster in Paris (cutest animated movie related to Halloween, its on Netflix).

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  4. your story of the fear you had of "escaping the madman or certain death" reminded me of Busch gardens. I was completely convinced that I was going to die on that roller coaster with my feet dangling High in the air. And you, dearest Brittney, were there talking to me and trying to calm me down the entire time. To this day I am embarrassed of how I reacted that day but so very grateful to you. You're the best. :)

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